Back To Reality

Becoming a mother changed my perspective on life. It's definitely made me less selfish, and more paranoid. I worry all the time, and I now understand why every time Granny heard an ambulance she would call and ask if we were okay. Too often do we get bogged down in the "routine" of every day life: waking up, kids to school, go to work, get home, sleep, do it all over again. Why does it take a tragedy to bring us back to reality? Life is short, and we should act like it.

• Get right with God.
• Never take life for granted.
• Live each day to its fullest.
• Those stupid arguments? Don't even start them.
• Those unsaid "I love you's?" Say them.

You just never know which day is going to be your last. Death is a part of life and we all know that - but we never realize just how quickly someone can be taken from this world. We may never know why, but you CAN live without regrets and you CAN find comfort that you will see your loved ones again someday.

On Saturday morning, "A beautiful little boy lost his father, parents lost a son, siblings lost a brother, a sweet baby girl lost her uncle, many lost a great friend, the world lost a wonderful person, and Heaven gained one." There are so many heavy hearts, Kaine. Mine is one of them.

"I love you, mama."

*I will go ahead and preface this blog with an apology - it has been six months since my last blog. I really must do better. It's up to you (whoever you may be) to keep me accountable. Also, a huge thanks to my very best friend KMMMM, because she has inspired me to write this.*

My daughter is now almost seven months old. Where does the time go? Becoming a parent makes your life go by so much faster. Things, irrelevant things.. once so important are now just a memories, fading to black in the background of reality. I always said I didn't know what I would do with a little girl - but the answer revealed itself to me the very first time I saw her. Love her. That's what I'll do. Because if I love her, then everything else will work itself out, right?

This is not a blog about Alivia, although she makes me a better mother (and person in general) with every smile and giggle. (But now that I think about it, maybe a blog for her will come after this one.) This blog is about Aidan, my knight in shining armor, who saves me every day.

When I found out I was pregnant with Aidan, shocked is an understatement. Little did I know how this little boy would change my life. From his first word to the first ER visit, I have tried to soak up every ounce of him and show him every day how much I love him. Although he changed my life, I have no doubts and no regrets that he was the right decision. I shower this little boy with kisses because I know one day he won't want me to. I tell him I love him with almost every breath, because I know one day he will hate me (or say it in a fit of anger at least). He has made me want to be better, more active, more involved, more everything. Now that he is walking, talking, laughing, playing and becoming an individual instead of my little hip-hugger, he can tell me what he did during the day at school. He can count to 10 (even though sometimes he skips five), say his ABCs (with a little help, of course), tell me who he played withat school and that he loves "his Day-mee and Ammar" (Jamie and Amber, his teachers). He gives me "big kisses," which means he squeezes my cheeks with his fingers so hard they're sore before he plants a big, juicy wet one on my lips. I eat, sleep and breathe this child. He is a part of what makes me whole.

A few months ago I was having a really tough day. Exhausted (which is normal for me given my schedule) and irritated, I was probably a bit snappy that day. Maybe, just maybe, I didn't want to be bothered. I needed some alone time (is that so much to ask?!?). I had just put Alivia down for a nap, and finally got to take a breather myself. I sat in the rocking chair in our living room to relax, when Aidan ran up to me from the playroom. Surely, he wanted a cup. Or some gummies. Surely, he wanted SOMETHING. But no. What was hands down the best dose of medicine I could have ever received, Aidan looked at me with his big blue eyes and said, "I love you, Mama." He jumped in my lap, gave me a big squeeze and a "big kiss," and ran back into the playroom like nothing had ever happened. I almost had to pinch myself. Did my two-year-old really just INTENTIONALLY make me feel better? How could he have possibly known what I was feeling? Then, it hit me. I carried this little person inside my womb for nine (practically ten, but who's counting?) months. He IS, and always will be a part of me. He saved me. Every day, he saves me.

I've always heard, "Never underestimate a mother's love for her child." But now, oh now.. I live that every day. There is nothing I don't do for them. I want my children to be proud to call me their mother. I want them to understand (though they probably won't until they are parents themselves) that the only true, unconditional love is that of a parent. Until the end of time I will cherish every "I love you, mama." I don't understand how any mother couldn't.

Aidan, I just want you to know that I have always loved you, even before I knew you existed. Before you, I was nothing important. Nothing special. But you - you have helped make me who I am. My hope is that I leave behind (for you and your sisters) something to be proud of. All I ask, all I can hope, is that you never stop saying "I love you." Forever and ever, Mama


- From the Burnams, with love.

dream come true

i'm a new mother.
woohooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'm not going to lie: labor was difficult for me. i had a few minor complications, but i did it! and aidan was born beautiful and perfect. initially i hadn't wanted anyone in the delivery room with me... but at the last minute i realized that i honestly didn't think i could do it by myself. with the help of some amazing nurses and my doctor... my mom and joey (i love you both so much)... we did it.

we were discharged from the hospital at midnight on sunday (may 11th).. talk about an amazing first mother's day! since we've been home, aidan has been the BEST baby... and i'm not just saying that because he's mine. he is so unbelievably sweet-- not to mention he's absolutely gorgeous! i have two absolutely amazing men in my life.. one is my future husband and one is my son. i could not imagine life without either one of them.

it's kind of funny how everything works out in life, huh? when i first found out i was pregnant, i never would've imagined that i would be where i am today. the past 6 months (and the 4 before that) have been absolutely amazing. i fell in love with myself first, and finally accepted the fact that i would be okay by myself.. and then God sent this amazing man to love me and my son, and he does an amazing job. he's the best father.. my best friend.. and honestly, my dream come true.

i guess i'm writing this for someone... i don't know who you are.. but i just want everyone to know that no matter how rough it gets, stay strong in your faith and believe in yourself. you'll come out on top, always.

anything is possible (if you have enough nerve)

the hospital bag is packed.
the carseat, stroller, diapers, clothes... they're all ready.
the day is drawing nearer...

ok, i know technically i am already a mother.
i know aidan is alive and well, but that's on the inside...
but i will actually get to see him soon.

ahhhh. it's so nervewracking. i've been dealing with "am i in labor?" issues, joey is on standby pretty much 24/7... as is the rest of the family. in the meantime, i think i'm the only one who has been acting as if everything is normal. i've been working, cleaning, driving... all of the things someone who is 9 months pregnant should NOT be doing. well... maybe just not so much.

it's hard to believe that i am in week 36. my body has completely devoted itself to little aidan and this pregnancy for nine whole months. it seems like just yesterday i found out i was pregnant. time flies so fast, and i certainly never thought i would be where i am today. happy. 142987348724% happy.

abby, my best friend in the whole wide world (happy birthday to you, by the way!) has been my saving grace. her love for children has really helped me embrace what once was just a "situation" to what is now the life i am in love with. through thick and thin (mood swings and cravings) she has stuck by me. it's amazing, as is she. she is going to be the most wonderful aunt BB in the whole entire world.
joey & ansleigh.. they are my fairy tale. i could not have dreamed up a better twosome. joey came unexpectedly, and you can ask anyone, i was more than apprehensive. i knew that i would never find anyone to love me AND my son equally.

never say never.

he brought ansleigh into my life, and i can only hope that aidan is as amazing as she is. she has been my sunshine, and i fell in love with her and joey both in a short time.

no, we haven't known each other for years and years, and yes, we were both at very vulnerable points in our lives, but you know what? it is when you are at your lowest that you look up; there is nowhere else to gaze.

i had fallen out of love with the world, and in love with myself, simply because i had no one else. i had aidan of course, but in the beginning i was very scared, very unsure... did i say scared? the first time i heard his heartbeat, and now every time i feel him kick.. i fall in love all over again. soon, those movements will stop and i will have a living, breathing, kicking, screaming, crying, laughing, pooping baby. then, with every movement he has in this crazy world.. i will fall in love again, and again, and again.
with him not here yet, it's kind of hard to process.
so far, i haven't had one emotional breakdown about this pregnancy.
i haven't cried, been upset. nothing. it's kind of like it isn't happening to me....
but as i begin to think about what his birth will be like,
seeing his face, smelling his skin...
i tear up.

i am so very fortunate to have my wonderful family and friends... and aidan will just complete the package. i'm sure i will have another blog in a few weeks/months (depending on how busy i am, haha) about how it is totally different than anything i could ever imagine. i can't really process what it will TRULY be like yet.... but all i can say is:

i am finally ready.

It's true.

I'm pregnant. [Insert gasps, screams, laughs, etc. here.]

Now that that's out of the way.. I have SO MUCH to get off my chest! Last night I finally got the nerve to tell my entire family, and in doing so I decided I'd just rather everyone hear from me on here.. so there's no question and no rumors flying about. "Go straight to the source," I always say! Now I can finally be excited! :)

Believe it or not.. everyone reacted the exact way I expected. I had so many people saying "you never know who will say what" but I pegged it, totally. Most are supportive (even if they don't AGREE with the situation), and some are not.. but this is a situation where you kind of just have to take everything with a grain of salt and move forward. Single (young) mothers have enough stress to deal with.. the last thing we need are the people we care about giving us hell.. and honestly, I couldn't care less. I am taking the high road.

To clear up a little of the confusion.. no, this was not planned. I am not in a relationship/going to be in a relationship/getting married or even with the baby's father. Furthermore, I don't think who he is is important to anyone. Not only that.. but I at least have enough respect for him (considering I have no idea who he has told/and whether or not he has any respect for me or the situation) to keep his name out of it until I am given the go ahead. Who needs to know, knows. He has not impressed me so far into this... maybe one day he will come around.. but until then this is my baby and that's all there is to it. Enough said?

Finding out that you are pregnant (especially at 19) is one of THE biggest life changing events that can happen in your life.... and honestly, I could have chosen the easy way out - but I didn't. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason, and while I struggled with the idea for a few weeks, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I don't think I could live with that decision for the rest of my life. Not to mention, if the Divine One is going to trust me with a life, all I can do is make the best of it.

I've heard the horror stories, and I know that this is going to be hard. Very hard. I have chosen to accept it for what it is - after all... I should be the most excited! (I'm working on this whole concept of optimism... can you tell?) Basically.. if you want to hop on the support train, go ahead. I will most certainly need all i can get.. but if you don't, that's fine, too. This is my life and I make my own decisions.

After all, by May 14th, I'm going to be a mom!