Are you keeping up?

I sit alone for the first time today, besides the commute I'm allowed to and from school/work/home. To me, that doesn't count.

Thanks to the good Lord, the children are fed, bathed and in bed. Thanks to me and the children (husband included), the house is a royal mess. Quite frankly, I am embarrassed to be here myself. 

Does this scenario sound familiar, or am I the only one?

I find myself rushing to keep up. Instead of the Joneses, it's us.

So far this week:

• I've worked nearly 40 hours at my part-time (but really full-time) radio job. 
• Almost 96 hours as a a full-time mother and wife. 
• About five hours as a taxi driver.
• Around 30 minutes as a personal assistant (to myself, of course)
• Plus, I think it took an hour or two to re-register for college classes next quarter.

Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining. I just wish there were more hours in the day! I don't have enough time to ENJOY the time I get... wait a second, does that even make sense? Probably not. Oh well, deal with it.

I really need to start blogging more, for my own sanity. 

I'm going to start having "theme" days again. I did this when I first started my blog, and it made it a quick and easy way to "keep up" and not get behind! Be sure to follow us so that you can keep up, too!

Out with the old...

...and in with the new! Isn't that what Spring is all about?

It's official! After Groundhog Day (Punxsutawney Phil.. how DO you do that?!), Spring has sprung and the weather has been more than fabulous the past two weeks. I've been eating better/working out more, working outside in the yard (let's face it, it's too nice to be inside) and clearing the clutter from my house. Generally speaking, I should feel better about life. So what is it that has me so down?

This is where I write a disclaimer. *What you are about to read is real. This is coming from ME, no one else. If you have any issues with what I am about to say, feel free to take them up with me personally. It is time that I set the record straight, so that I can move on. I am not taking this to an anonymous forum. I am not mentioning names. I am simply saying everything that I have wanted so badly to say, after being told for so long that I couldn't.*

For those of you who know what I do for a living, then I don't have to explain my frustrations. For those of you who don't: I'm a DJ for a popular local morning show/radio station that reaches out to our little community (and about 30 other surrounding counties). Most days, I love my job. I love having an outlet to talk, inform and entertain. I try to keep my personal life personal, though. That's where this blog comes in. This is my PERSONAL outlet. I keep my Facebook account positive, not naming/trashing/bashing anyone involved with any of the drama that certain people in our little town and a few outsiders have created. So, the answers to a few pressing questions:

1. We have been told to NOT address anything on the airwaves. THAT is why we have to ignore the questions and comments.
2. We wanted to change it the name of our show. We were told we could not.
3. Yes, I was "the reason."

Now, before any assumptions are made, don't worry. I will tell you the rest of the story.

In October 2010, an employee desperate for attention and drama created an emotional roller coaster within our company. His personal life was suffering, and we were paying for it. As a friend, I initially tried to help - but you can't help someone who won't help himself. I saw through the lies. I saw through the BS. Ultimately, I became tired of being harassed. For those who think I "brought this on myself," or that I "knew what kind of person he was" to begin with... no, that's not the case at all. Yes, he is a flirt. Yes, he flirted with me.  I turned a blind eye and deaf ear to the comments, confident in my marriage and as a human being (not to mention I was never attracted to him "that" way). As time went on, I began responding to his comments with "I'm married." End of story.

THESE ARE THE FACTS:

• I never gave him any reason to talk to me the way he did. 
• I never gave him any reason to conjure up fantasies of us being together. 
• I never had ANY kind of sexual contact with him. 
• My husband didn't "find text messages between the two of us and threaten to leave and take my children" like what has been alleged.

I did, however, genuinely care for him as a friend. I felt sorry for him (to begin with) because I felt like deep down inside there, somewhere, he was human. I stuck up for him repeatedly, even though I shouldn't have. Then, everything changed. After multiple break-ups with his then girlfriend who was pregnant with his potential child, he snapped. I watched him lie to my face. I watched him pick fights with another employee. He picked fights with me. I have been cussed out. I have been verbally and emotionally abused, sexually harassed, and thrown under the bus (anonymously, of course).

MORE FACTS:

• I went to our General Manager to file a complaint about the sexual harassment. He assured me that the problem could be handled internally, with no reason to file a formal complaint with the EEOC. If another incident occurred, termination would follow.
• The very next day (after the issue was supposedly "handled") I returned to work, hopeful that things would be different. They weren't. I was only there for 30 minutes before the harassment continued, so I left and went to meet again with our GM. I was told that the issue would be handled (again).
• After our meeting, termination was no longer an option. My GM told me that he could be reassigned within the company, and asked me if that was okay with me. I said no, and attempted to resign. I was asked not to.
• I took a week off from work while things were "handled." I didn't know what was going on, no one told me. He was arrested (again) during my week off, and was asked to resign.

I have text messages and emails to back up the facts. That's why he has apologized to me multiple times and told me he cares about me (still), although he continues to bash me to other people and on anonymous forums. I am sick of it. I want to move on from this. I want to love my job again. I want to love myself again. I have struggled with this being what some said was "all my fault," but it's not. This is his fault, a result of his actions. I stood up for myself when I couldn't take it anymore. No, my GM wouldn't hire him back. Yes, they are scared that I'm going to sue them. I told them I wasn't. I told them that I didn't want his job. I just wanted to not be harassed anymore.

There. Out with the old.

Back To Reality

Becoming a mother changed my perspective on life. It's definitely made me less selfish, and more paranoid. I worry all the time, and I now understand why every time Granny heard an ambulance she would call and ask if we were okay. Too often do we get bogged down in the "routine" of every day life: waking up, kids to school, go to work, get home, sleep, do it all over again. Why does it take a tragedy to bring us back to reality? Life is short, and we should act like it.

• Get right with God.
• Never take life for granted.
• Live each day to its fullest.
• Those stupid arguments? Don't even start them.
• Those unsaid "I love you's?" Say them.

You just never know which day is going to be your last. Death is a part of life and we all know that - but we never realize just how quickly someone can be taken from this world. We may never know why, but you CAN live without regrets and you CAN find comfort that you will see your loved ones again someday.

On Saturday morning, "A beautiful little boy lost his father, parents lost a son, siblings lost a brother, a sweet baby girl lost her uncle, many lost a great friend, the world lost a wonderful person, and Heaven gained one." There are so many heavy hearts, Kaine. Mine is one of them.

"I love you, mama."

*I will go ahead and preface this blog with an apology - it has been six months since my last blog. I really must do better. It's up to you (whoever you may be) to keep me accountable. Also, a huge thanks to my very best friend KMMMM, because she has inspired me to write this.*

My daughter is now almost seven months old. Where does the time go? Becoming a parent makes your life go by so much faster. Things, irrelevant things.. once so important are now just a memories, fading to black in the background of reality. I always said I didn't know what I would do with a little girl - but the answer revealed itself to me the very first time I saw her. Love her. That's what I'll do. Because if I love her, then everything else will work itself out, right?

This is not a blog about Alivia, although she makes me a better mother (and person in general) with every smile and giggle. (But now that I think about it, maybe a blog for her will come after this one.) This blog is about Aidan, my knight in shining armor, who saves me every day.

When I found out I was pregnant with Aidan, shocked is an understatement. Little did I know how this little boy would change my life. From his first word to the first ER visit, I have tried to soak up every ounce of him and show him every day how much I love him. Although he changed my life, I have no doubts and no regrets that he was the right decision. I shower this little boy with kisses because I know one day he won't want me to. I tell him I love him with almost every breath, because I know one day he will hate me (or say it in a fit of anger at least). He has made me want to be better, more active, more involved, more everything. Now that he is walking, talking, laughing, playing and becoming an individual instead of my little hip-hugger, he can tell me what he did during the day at school. He can count to 10 (even though sometimes he skips five), say his ABCs (with a little help, of course), tell me who he played withat school and that he loves "his Day-mee and Ammar" (Jamie and Amber, his teachers). He gives me "big kisses," which means he squeezes my cheeks with his fingers so hard they're sore before he plants a big, juicy wet one on my lips. I eat, sleep and breathe this child. He is a part of what makes me whole.

A few months ago I was having a really tough day. Exhausted (which is normal for me given my schedule) and irritated, I was probably a bit snappy that day. Maybe, just maybe, I didn't want to be bothered. I needed some alone time (is that so much to ask?!?). I had just put Alivia down for a nap, and finally got to take a breather myself. I sat in the rocking chair in our living room to relax, when Aidan ran up to me from the playroom. Surely, he wanted a cup. Or some gummies. Surely, he wanted SOMETHING. But no. What was hands down the best dose of medicine I could have ever received, Aidan looked at me with his big blue eyes and said, "I love you, Mama." He jumped in my lap, gave me a big squeeze and a "big kiss," and ran back into the playroom like nothing had ever happened. I almost had to pinch myself. Did my two-year-old really just INTENTIONALLY make me feel better? How could he have possibly known what I was feeling? Then, it hit me. I carried this little person inside my womb for nine (practically ten, but who's counting?) months. He IS, and always will be a part of me. He saved me. Every day, he saves me.

I've always heard, "Never underestimate a mother's love for her child." But now, oh now.. I live that every day. There is nothing I don't do for them. I want my children to be proud to call me their mother. I want them to understand (though they probably won't until they are parents themselves) that the only true, unconditional love is that of a parent. Until the end of time I will cherish every "I love you, mama." I don't understand how any mother couldn't.

Aidan, I just want you to know that I have always loved you, even before I knew you existed. Before you, I was nothing important. Nothing special. But you - you have helped make me who I am. My hope is that I leave behind (for you and your sisters) something to be proud of. All I ask, all I can hope, is that you never stop saying "I love you." Forever and ever, Mama


- From the Burnams, with love.

Introducing Alivia Grace

So the wait is over, and our absolutely amazing, perfectly perfect baby girl is finally here. Wow! What an experience. Before I go on and on about how amazing she is, let me give you all a step-by-step of what happened this week...

Tuesday (4/13/10) - Tuesday morning I had a doctor's appointment (which I was hoping would be my last). At 38 weeks and 2 days pregnant, I knew at this appointment Dr. Diamond was going to check my progress and see if I had dilated any. Much to our surprise, I was almost 3CMs! Also, when he checked me, he stripped my membranes (something I'd only heard of) and it kind of freaked me out a bit. Dr. D told me to go home, pack, and walk, and that he thought we'd see some kind of action in the next 24 hours. We notified our mothers (who live the farthest away) and the rest of our family members... Aidan and I came home... I cleaned the kitchen, we walked for a little over an hour... and while I was waiting to see/feel some kind of change all I got was a big fat nothing. Nada. No contractions (that I could feel.. or so I thought) and as far as I knew my water hadn't broken. Joey put the bags in the car (just in case) but I really felt no different. So, a little discouraged, I went to bed.

Wednesday (4/14/10) - After being up all night with constant pressure in my hip bones, back pain, indegestion of the worst kind, peeing, and several other gross things I'll leave to your imagination.... I told Joey when he got up and was leaving for work that I was going to call the doctor as soon as the office opened and just ask what I should do. I still didn't feel any different (all the thing I listed above were pretty much normal at that point) but something inside me told me I should just call. So, I did.. about 8:30. I talked to the nurse and told her what was going on but that I wasn't having any contractions so I didn't know if I should take the way I was feeling seriously. She told me to just come in and they would check my progress again. So, Aidan and I ate some breakfast, got dressed, and headed to town to meet Joey.

We waiting at the doctor's office for a while (it was packed when we got there) and finally they sent us to a room. Meg (the PA) came in to check me, and she said I was close to 4CMs. They talked to Dr. D and he decided to put me on a monitor to check and see if I was having regular contractions. Joey, Aidan and I went back to the VIP section of the doctor's office (we say this because there are two recliners and a flatscreen TV, lol) where they hooked me up. We watched Winnie the Pooh and after about an hour on the monitor the nurse came in and took the papers to show Dr. Diamond. While she was gone I told Joey that I would just go to WalMart and walk around... he said he was going to the office to eat his lunch... and then, *KNOCK KNOCK* - she opened the door.

"Well, Dr. Diamond wants to go ahead and admit you, so I'm going to go get the paperwork ready if that's okay."

I bet the looks on our faces were priceless. We had no idea. Then the shock and awe set in. Then we frantically started calling everyone. I was mad that I hadn't packed my laptop (LOL). We were trying to figure out where Aidan was going to go. What Joey was going to do about work. How my mom was going to get here (she's without a car at the moment). When his mom was going to leave Savannah. Gosh, there are a ton of things you don't think about until it really is time.

Wednesday (LUNCH) - We drove over to the hospital to wait for Grandma Lori to come pick Aidan up. After we said our goodbyes we took our bags to admissions, where they already had my paperwork ready. We waited for the wheelchair to come pick me up, and they rolled me to Labor & Delivery Room 1. We got in and got situated, and the nurses hooked me up to monitors and the IVs. We were told that Dr. Diamond was going to come over and check me out (again) and possibly break my water, but we figured it would be later in the afternoon or after his office closed. Nope. About 1:30ish he came over and broke my water. They started me on Pitocin shortly after, and the contractions got much stronger and much, MUCH closer together. My nurse (Debra.. who was absolutely FABULOUS and I owe her many thanks) told me her shift ended at 7 and I needed to get a move on. Lol. Waiting... contractions got stronger... people were coming to visit in and out, but I tried to zone everything out and just focus on getting from one contraction to another. They kept asking if I wanted an epidural, but I was scared (based on my experience with Aidan) that it would slow my labor down, so I toughed it out as long as I possibly could. To the best of my knowledge I asked for it sometime after 4-- I had to sign some things and wait for the anesthesiologist to get there, and in the process the contractions were really strong. I think I finally got it around 4:30-45... and at first it didn't work. Finally, the anesthesiologist brought in something to speed up the process, and sometime after five (I think about 5:15-30) I was FABULOUS. No pain whatsoever, and I felt wonderful. Debra (the nurse) then decided since my pain was managed that she was going to check and see how far I'd progressed. It was just me and Joey in the room (mom and Autumn had walked to the car) and we were honestly expecting to be 6-7 CMs at most. Worried that it'd slow my labor, we were prepared for the worst. Debra checked me, and I was totally and completely DILATED. 10 CMs +1 (the +1 is the position of the baby's head, which Alivia's was already IN THE BIRTH CANAL). She told me NOT to push, AT ALL.. because she didn't want to catch a baby. Haha. The nurses called the doctor.. and we waited. Mom got back, I tried to tell her I was still 4 CMs to freak her out, but it didn't work.. I couldn't fake being disappointed. I was too excited! We waited for Dr. D, who we finally learned was in the sleep room watching Snapped on TV, lol) to get there, and he did at around 5:56. They told me to push, and about 2 1/2 pushes later (at precisely 5:58PM... I know, because I called the time myself.. lol) Alivia Grace was here. The first thing I noticed was her hair. HOLY COW! I hadn't really had any heartburn whatsoever, so I was in complete and total shock that she had a head full of dark locks! And to think, I was worried about being able to put a bow on a bald head. Lol. Anyways, so Alivia was born.. we all joked and laughed and I was relieved. I couldn't believe how easy it had been. They took her to clean her up- or more like wipe her off- and then handed  her back to us immediately. We wanted Ansleigh and Aidan to meet her before anyone else, so they came in first. They both were very excited (and still are) and I can't believe how good they've been with her so far. Then the rush of the crowd came in... everyone congratulating us and asking how it was for me. Overall, it was a fabulous experience and I am so happy I was able to enjoy the entire process.

We stayed in the hospital for 24 hours and 30 minutes (and really not one second longer) because there are certain tests for newborns that have to be done at 24 hours. We left the hospital around 6:30PM on Thursday, April 15th, and headed home. It is now Saturday, and Alivia has truly been  a joy. She's already on a 10-2-6 schedule, hasn't spit up on me once (though I'm sure that's going to change) and is an absolutely amazing baby. She's quiet unless she's wet/cold/hungry and is currently snoozing the day away. Yesterday we had a relaxing day with no visitors, but tonight we are grilling for the entire family. :)

Having Alivia has really changed my perspective on life (again). I now look at my husband with a fresh pair of eyes- it's amazing that this little girl we created has made life absolutely perfect. We now are a party of five; before we were missing a piece but didn't know it. Now she's here, and the puzzle is complete. I am truly blessed.

Everything.

"You see everything,
You see every part.
You see all my light,
and you love my dark.

You dig everything
of which I'm ashamed.
There's not anything
to which you can't relate...
And you're still here."

This probably won't be a happy-peppy post, as lately I've been dealing with some emotions that I'm not really used to.

I like to think I'm a generally happy person. I am absolutely beyond blessed and I recognize that and cherish that, but lately I've been battling some "inner demons" and I'd like to just get them all out on paper so to speak, and move forward in this amazing thing that we call life.

I've come to a point in my life where I realize my self-worth. I know how I should be treated. I expect to be respected. I also know how to treat others. There are some that don't know the value of their own self, though, and in turn they repeatedly try to tear others down. I could list many examples, but I'm not going to point fingers at anyone. Let's just say that over the past few months I have felt myself straying from what I know and believe, and I'm guilty of letting my environment change me. I'm going to do something about it, though. I am going to be proactive, and do something now instead of later. My surroundings have been negatively affecting my life, marriage, emotions, and possibly even pregnancy (I've been having some issues lately, but no worries.. Alivia & I are alright!), and I will not stand for it any more.

God has provided for us in what we considered to be a tough time, though I know many others have it worse. In the past month my family has seen many changes. We have had to consider uprooting to look for work for Joey, and bless his heart, he has filled out enough applications to make your head spin. After being let down by two trucking companies who he thought he had a guaranteed spot with (but was turned down because of a speeding ticket he got two years ago), he's found a job that's close to home and will have him home pretty much every night. I've been working myself to death, going to school (and missing bath time to do homework), and neglecting my husband because I simply don't have time. That is all about to change. I want to be the best mother, wife, and student. I want to do it all, but there are limitations as to what you can take mentally, and I'm beyond exhausted.

This time, I am willingly shutting the door and taking on a new chapter in my life...

...because my husband is by my side through it all. I know in my heart that with these changes and crucial decisions our family will be alright. I believe that we are taking steps in the right direction for happiness, success, and love. Family is the most important thing we have in this life, and I will not take this time for granted.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,

And mortal life shall cease,

I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace

- From the Burnams, with love.

New year, new beginnings.

2010 has gotten off to a rather bumpy start.

The husband and I celebrated our very first wedding anniversary on New Year's Eve, and while it was uneventful (due to the fact that we can't really afford anything but each other's company right now), we were kid-free for the weekend and that's probably one of the best gifts we could have received. Thanks Grandbon. :)

So after a long break from work for the holidays, we returned bright-eyed and bushy-tailed (yeah.. right!) on Monday morning, and we were unaware that my husband would be losing his job on the first working day of the new year. You always hear people talking about being laid off, or business being slow, but until it happens to you or your family I don't really think you can understand the heartbreak. It's just a different kind. I know it's especially hard for Joey, because I see what a hard worker he is. He really and truly puts 150% into any and everything that he does. Today was his last day of work, and as he headed off this morning I truly wished I could take his place. I know that our family will be okay. Financially, we might struggle for a while, but God will take care of us. I just wish that my husband.. my best friend.. didn't feel like a failure.

While Joey has been avidly applying for positions any and every where, another quarter in school has begun for me. We did receive a blessing yesterday, though, when I went to buy my books. It truly does pay to be a good student! I went to check on my financial aid (to make sure I could even buy my books) and I had over $1000 to spend! Hallelujah! My books ended up only being a little over $300, so we will receive a check for over seven HUNDRED dollars in about a month! To God be the GLORY! I was so excited. I still am. It was my reassurance that He is going to take care of us.

In pregnancy news, I got to hear Alivia's heartbeat yesterday. What sweet music to my ears. Dr. Diamond did warn me of the complications of having a breach baby (in the 20 week ultrasound she was in that position). He said that at my 4D ultrasound (on the 28th of this month) we should get a heads up as to if she's going to get into the "head down" position (no pun intended!), and if she hasn't turned by the time of my 35 week ultrasound (the week after St. Patrick's Day) then we'll have to discuss our options. While some people would freak out at this news, I'm not. As long as she gets here safe & sound (and healthy) then I will be happy. I don't care if they have to cut me, and there's no sense in worrying myself to death over it until March.

This week our little princess is about as big as........

AN EAR OF CORN!

According to BabyCenter.com, our baby girl is growing steadily, having gained about 4 ounces since last week. That puts her at over a pound! Since she's almost a foot long she still has a pretty lean figure at this point, but her body is filling out proportionally and she'll soon start to plump up. Her brain is also growing quickly now, and taste buds are continuing to develop (maybe she'll get her Daddy's instead of mine.. I'm too picky!). The lungs are developing "branches" of the respiratory "tree" as well as cells that produce surfactant, a substance that will help her air sacs inflate once she hits the outside world. Her skin is still thin and translucent, but that will start to change soon... Meanwhile, MY body is changing too.. and much like this:


But in real time.. 24 1/2 weeks..


Until next time, please keep our little (growing) family in your thoughts and prayers, because we sure need all of them that we can get. I pray that my husband's work ethic and drive is recognized by someone (an employer) who will treat him fairly and compensate him for the job he does. Until he finds this job I pray that we stay strong for each other through the challenges financially that we may face. Amen.

- From the Burnams, with love.

It happened.

I was sitting at work, doing my job... and it happened.

Simple.
Just.
Like.
That.

Let me explain something, though. I have been here before. I have felt this feeling before. But there is nothing that brings joy like feeling a child, your child, move inside you for the first time. I tried to blow it off.. maybe it's just gas... but no, here we are, a week later.. and several times a day I feel our little doodle bug just swimming around in my belly.

I will admit though, lately the thought of having three children has begun to overwhelm me a little. I am twenty-one years old.. a stepmother to the most beautiful and amazing little five-year-old I've ever met in my life, a mother to the most handsome, smartest (and silliest) little 18-month-old on the planet, and I would not have it any other way.

I'm trying not to worry, but it's hard... because tons of questions begin to fill your brain during your second pregnancy, like: Do I have enough love to go around? Can you really love another child the same? What if the other children begin to feel neglected? Will they understand?

As Mrs. Burnam I have one of the most caring and loving (and definitely the best father EVER) husbands on this planet, and I firmly believe that. I know that he and I will make it through this triumphantly for our children, although there is a lot of stress on me right now. Between working a full-time job during the day (and being a single parent at night while Joey goes to school, LOL) it has definitely left me drained and a little depressed. I know all this will be worth it in the end, because Joey will find a job that he actually enjoys (and maybe get paid a little more than he's making now) and when I'm through with school maybe I'll at least get a raise (ha!).

Anyway.. on a lighter note.. here is a pic of the belly progress at 14 weeks:

And at 14 weeks.. Baby Burnam was the size of a...............

LEMON! :)

And this week, at 15 weeks, Baby Burnam is the size of a..... drumroll please.....

APPLE! :) :) :)

We have another doctor's appointment on 11/11 at 10:40AM.. and last time Dr. Diamond said we *might* be able to guess what IT is then! :) Until next time...

Happy (almost) Birth Day

So today we will be welcoming babies Mason Wade and Ari Michael Lee along with their parents!

It has been 10 amazing months! Watching my sister-in-law Fallon and best friend Kayse go through the miracle of life has been so much fun, and now here we are, September 1st, 2009, welcoming two babies into the world. As of right now Kayse is 3cm, water is broken, with contractions every two minutes, and Fallon is 5cm, water broken, epidural administered.

It will probably be a few hours still, but good luck to both their families, and much love from Burnamville! I can't wait to meet the newest additions to our family (and extended family)!

I will keep you all updated.. say a prayer or two!

UPDATE 9:06AM
Fallon is completely dilated, about to start pushing. Kayse is almost 4CM, just got an epidural!

UPDATE 1:45PM
Mason Wade was born at 9:10 this morning, weighing in at 7 pounds 15 ounces! Congratulations Fallon & Chris! Kayse is currently dilated 5CMs!

UPDATE 5:45PM
Ari Michael Lee is here!!! Congratulations Kayse, Abe and Hayden!

Quick Update

This week has felt so incredibly long!

With hurricanes off the coast the weather has been dreary, and after all the waves of nausea (and vomiting) that I've had all week, the weekend couldn't get here fast enough!

We have been super slow at work until today, and today we have been swamped! JB left work to go home early because he isn't feeling so hot. The house is slowly but surely coming together, and we've FINALLY made a decision about floors! We're doing a laminate wood floor throughout the whole house.. and leaving the vinyl in the kitchen/bathrooms until we can tile it.

Until next time...

Top 3 Thursday

Being able to birth a child is one of the most empowering things about being a woman.

Oh yeah.. I'M PREGNANT!

Life is such a blessing. I am blessed to say that my husband is the most amazing father in the whole world, and I am so excited about having another Baby B!

Just another manic Monday...

So today, as I was doing our budget, I came across an astonishing fact. Joey and I would almost SAVE money if I didn't work. Why? Because of stupid child care costs! Now, don't get me wrong.. I love the ladies who keep Aidan, and they do an absolutely amazing job.. but, NEWSFLASH:

It takes an entire check to pay child care costs for Aidan. That doesn't include child care costs for Ansleigh (which since school has started is only $100/month). I mean, it's discouraging. I work 40 hours a week for barely more than minimum wage and only get one paycheck.

So, while classes will start for me sometime in September (registration is the first week of September), I'm actually considering staying at home (again). Don't think I don't love my job... but the way things are going right now it seems like the most logical explanation. Who knows what will happen... I'm just brainstorming. :)

On a different topic, though, we have been so busy! Joey & I painted ALL weekend long! Aidan's room is completely finished, Aidan & Ansleigh's bathroom is done, and Ansleigh's room just needs one more coat of paint! We have gotten a lot done, but we have oh so much more to do!

A little less than boring..

Today has been extremely uneventful.. but I will say this: I AM SO PROUD OF MY HUSBAND! :)
Joey has decided to go back to school to get his Commercial Driver's License (CDL)... which could potentially (and hopefully will) land him a better paying job one day! The course is 10 weeks long, and after that he will have his license! I am so excited for him.. and he is so excited too, so it makes me excited to see him that excited. Haha. Next on the list will be me!

I went today to DFCS for our insurance review and all, and guess what? More bad news. Joey and I make too much money to qualify for Medicaid (with me working), so now we've applied for Peach State and I really hope that comes through. It was a low blow when they said my babies wouldn't have insurance since we make too much.. but if I added Aidan to my policy (after it starts in July) I WOULD BE paying my company about $300 a month to work here (and I wouldn't get a check AT ALL because it would all go to child care & insurance). The economy is SCREWED these days, boys and girls. It really makes me wonder.

If you haven't heard (which I'm sure you haven't, because I haven't told anyone) then I am potentially the new co-host with Matt's morning show! We met for lunch one day when we were in talks about me managing the MySpace page for the station, and he LOVED me and told me my personality would be perfect for the show! I am super duper excited. I called my mom and told her about it and she actually supported it and sounded happy about it (and told me I'd be good at it, too) so that makes it even better.

We'll see what comes of it tomorrow.. but waking up that early is going to give me a VERY long day tomorrow!

Easier said than done..

So it's been a few days.. but I haven't forgotten! I have been so unbelievably busy (as if being a working mother/wife wasn't enough) since I last wrote!

Vacation Bible School started last night at Crossroads Baptist Church, and Joey & I are in charge of three amazing 5-year-olds! They were great, but unfortunately that leaves me NO free time.

After an emergency ink cartridge incident at work (just now) I have decided to take a moment and relax my mind and de-stress! So here goes...

Since I last wrote we have been slapped in the face with a one year lease (and subsequently a $1300 deposit/first month's payment if we choose to sign it).. and since I just wrote a check last week for $1250 (to the owners of the house that was supposed to be OURS) for RENT I am not too happy about it. Actually, I'm pretty pissed. They are obviously just trying to get us out of the house (which is working), and now I wish I hadn't paid them ANYTHING and that we had just moved out last week.

So on top of being stressed out to the max with our housing situation, we are now stressed financially because that last $1250 took away what little "nest egg" we had, and we are back to living paycheck to paycheck. Great.

This morning I also got more bad news. The loan people called and said that there is basically no way we will be approved for a loan because I don't make enough money to be solely responsible for the payment (on paper), and Joey's credit sucks so he can't be on it with me... and I quote, "Mrs. Burnam, I just wanted to call you and tell you not to get your hopes up."

Ugh.

I've heard so many times lately:
"Everything happens for a reason."
"When God closes one door, two more open."
"Things will work themselves out."

We all know these things are true, but it's so much easier to believe them when you're not in the middle of the storm. Joey and I have decided to pack all our stuff up (everything except the bare necessities, anyway), move in with his dad & Lori temporarily, try to get his credit straightened out over the next few months, and maybe eventually something good will happen for us.

Yes, my husband and I (and our two children, two dogs, and cat) are going to move back in with the parents. Nothing against them, but this SUCKS!!!!

I guess our miracle isn't happening anytime soon. I'm trying desperately to just give it all up to Him and let Him worry about it for me... but it's just so hard. It would be different if we didn't have children. If we weren't married. Maybe then I wouldn't have such a hard time with it.. but when you have a family and you can't even provide a roof for their heads, it really is a huge blow to the ego. After being on my own so long it's extremely hard to ask for help, too.. but I'm not above it. I know that everything will be okay, and who knows.. maybe in a year (or five) Joey and I will be able to build our dream home. I'm sick of throwing my kids around from place to place. They need stability. They need their own rooms, and I wanna decorate them. I want to paint the walls how I want. Decorate how I want. Maybe it sounds selfish.. but I want us to have a HOME, not just live in some house.

That's what I'm hoping for anyway.

dream come true

i'm a new mother.
woohooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'm not going to lie: labor was difficult for me. i had a few minor complications, but i did it! and aidan was born beautiful and perfect. initially i hadn't wanted anyone in the delivery room with me... but at the last minute i realized that i honestly didn't think i could do it by myself. with the help of some amazing nurses and my doctor... my mom and joey (i love you both so much)... we did it.

we were discharged from the hospital at midnight on sunday (may 11th).. talk about an amazing first mother's day! since we've been home, aidan has been the BEST baby... and i'm not just saying that because he's mine. he is so unbelievably sweet-- not to mention he's absolutely gorgeous! i have two absolutely amazing men in my life.. one is my future husband and one is my son. i could not imagine life without either one of them.

it's kind of funny how everything works out in life, huh? when i first found out i was pregnant, i never would've imagined that i would be where i am today. the past 6 months (and the 4 before that) have been absolutely amazing. i fell in love with myself first, and finally accepted the fact that i would be okay by myself.. and then God sent this amazing man to love me and my son, and he does an amazing job. he's the best father.. my best friend.. and honestly, my dream come true.

i guess i'm writing this for someone... i don't know who you are.. but i just want everyone to know that no matter how rough it gets, stay strong in your faith and believe in yourself. you'll come out on top, always.

anything is possible (if you have enough nerve)

the hospital bag is packed.
the carseat, stroller, diapers, clothes... they're all ready.
the day is drawing nearer...

ok, i know technically i am already a mother.
i know aidan is alive and well, but that's on the inside...
but i will actually get to see him soon.

ahhhh. it's so nervewracking. i've been dealing with "am i in labor?" issues, joey is on standby pretty much 24/7... as is the rest of the family. in the meantime, i think i'm the only one who has been acting as if everything is normal. i've been working, cleaning, driving... all of the things someone who is 9 months pregnant should NOT be doing. well... maybe just not so much.

it's hard to believe that i am in week 36. my body has completely devoted itself to little aidan and this pregnancy for nine whole months. it seems like just yesterday i found out i was pregnant. time flies so fast, and i certainly never thought i would be where i am today. happy. 142987348724% happy.

abby, my best friend in the whole wide world (happy birthday to you, by the way!) has been my saving grace. her love for children has really helped me embrace what once was just a "situation" to what is now the life i am in love with. through thick and thin (mood swings and cravings) she has stuck by me. it's amazing, as is she. she is going to be the most wonderful aunt BB in the whole entire world.
joey & ansleigh.. they are my fairy tale. i could not have dreamed up a better twosome. joey came unexpectedly, and you can ask anyone, i was more than apprehensive. i knew that i would never find anyone to love me AND my son equally.

never say never.

he brought ansleigh into my life, and i can only hope that aidan is as amazing as she is. she has been my sunshine, and i fell in love with her and joey both in a short time.

no, we haven't known each other for years and years, and yes, we were both at very vulnerable points in our lives, but you know what? it is when you are at your lowest that you look up; there is nowhere else to gaze.

i had fallen out of love with the world, and in love with myself, simply because i had no one else. i had aidan of course, but in the beginning i was very scared, very unsure... did i say scared? the first time i heard his heartbeat, and now every time i feel him kick.. i fall in love all over again. soon, those movements will stop and i will have a living, breathing, kicking, screaming, crying, laughing, pooping baby. then, with every movement he has in this crazy world.. i will fall in love again, and again, and again.
with him not here yet, it's kind of hard to process.
so far, i haven't had one emotional breakdown about this pregnancy.
i haven't cried, been upset. nothing. it's kind of like it isn't happening to me....
but as i begin to think about what his birth will be like,
seeing his face, smelling his skin...
i tear up.

i am so very fortunate to have my wonderful family and friends... and aidan will just complete the package. i'm sure i will have another blog in a few weeks/months (depending on how busy i am, haha) about how it is totally different than anything i could ever imagine. i can't really process what it will TRULY be like yet.... but all i can say is:

i am finally ready.

you don't get what you deserve...

...and be very thankful for that.

i'm in a very weird place in my life.. a lot of changes are happening, within my body and in my life in general. the past 6 months have been some of the most challenging, yet rewarding (so far) in my life. on a day where i should be writing a blog on what i'm thankful for, i can't think of a single thing to write. i've never been good with the specifics, and this is just a prime example. i am the absolute happiest right now, with my life.. with everything. no, i'm not the richest. i'm not the prettiest or most well-behaved... but there's not one single thing that i'm not thankful for at this point in time.

things don't always go according to our plans... i've said that before and i'll say it again. however, they can. you have the ability to change your future.... with your thoughts alone. i wake up every morning with a decision to make the best of life. no matter the cards that are dealt, or the obstacles i'm presented with. you can either be happy or miserable. it's as simple (and as difficult) as that. i think the problem is that most people don't want to take charge (or blame) for things that go wrong.. but you know what. i do. i'm a big girl. i can handle it.

like i said.. the past 6 months have been unbelievable, in good ways and bad. two things i have come to cherish, though, are family and friendship. i have gotten so much closer to my dad, jo (the other mother), and my sister.. it's unbelievable. there's such a history w/ my dad & jo that it's truly a blessing to have them in my life, doing all that they do for me on a daily basis. i could never repay, or thank them enough.. but the amazing thing about family is that the only repayment they expect is love (but when i get rich i swear i'll give you money, lol). as for my sister.. there's almost 8 years between us so we were never close when i was younger.. she was always too cool and i was way too annoying. now that we've both matured and both lead our own lives, it's pretty cool to know i'll have a best friend, no matter what, until the day i die.

as far as friends go, this has been a very trying time. one thing i've come to learn, is that no matter how many years you go without speaking or seeing each other.. no matter the fusses or arguments... TRUE FRIENDS are always going to have your back when you need them to be there. abby gayle carver is my love. without her i don't know what i'd do. she's taught me so much.. and i truly love her unconditionally. the whole soul mate thing? yeah. she's my soul mate, i think. then, there are other things i've noticed... once you join the whole MOM sorority, the past simply doesn't matter. i've gotten a lot closer to people who i NEVER thought i would.. (teresa tapia, this is for you, lol).. but it's amazing. really. another person i've got to say has helped me the most is miss elizabeth ashly... =) another one of those long-term friends.

basically... what it boils down to this thanksgiving, as cliche` as it sounds.. i am thankful for everything.. but most importantly, i'm thankful for life.

It's true.

I'm pregnant. [Insert gasps, screams, laughs, etc. here.]

Now that that's out of the way.. I have SO MUCH to get off my chest! Last night I finally got the nerve to tell my entire family, and in doing so I decided I'd just rather everyone hear from me on here.. so there's no question and no rumors flying about. "Go straight to the source," I always say! Now I can finally be excited! :)

Believe it or not.. everyone reacted the exact way I expected. I had so many people saying "you never know who will say what" but I pegged it, totally. Most are supportive (even if they don't AGREE with the situation), and some are not.. but this is a situation where you kind of just have to take everything with a grain of salt and move forward. Single (young) mothers have enough stress to deal with.. the last thing we need are the people we care about giving us hell.. and honestly, I couldn't care less. I am taking the high road.

To clear up a little of the confusion.. no, this was not planned. I am not in a relationship/going to be in a relationship/getting married or even with the baby's father. Furthermore, I don't think who he is is important to anyone. Not only that.. but I at least have enough respect for him (considering I have no idea who he has told/and whether or not he has any respect for me or the situation) to keep his name out of it until I am given the go ahead. Who needs to know, knows. He has not impressed me so far into this... maybe one day he will come around.. but until then this is my baby and that's all there is to it. Enough said?

Finding out that you are pregnant (especially at 19) is one of THE biggest life changing events that can happen in your life.... and honestly, I could have chosen the easy way out - but I didn't. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason, and while I struggled with the idea for a few weeks, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I don't think I could live with that decision for the rest of my life. Not to mention, if the Divine One is going to trust me with a life, all I can do is make the best of it.

I've heard the horror stories, and I know that this is going to be hard. Very hard. I have chosen to accept it for what it is - after all... I should be the most excited! (I'm working on this whole concept of optimism... can you tell?) Basically.. if you want to hop on the support train, go ahead. I will most certainly need all i can get.. but if you don't, that's fine, too. This is my life and I make my own decisions.

After all, by May 14th, I'm going to be a mom!

everyone dies famous in a small town.

we live in a very nosy society.

it's sad.

everyone wants to know everything about everybody all of the time. honestly.. i try not to talk about ANYONE, EVER (hard to believe, but true. ask my family members). every time i hear someone gossiping i say to myself... "now.. if i go and talk about so-and-so, then what right do i have to be upset when someone talks about me?"

it's kind of a karmic mentality..
do unto others, if you will.

how sad is it when our own happiness is based on what others think of us? how can we possibly find inner happiness when we are constantly worried about how others feel? of course, there are reputations to be guarded and so on and so forth.. but how, can we honestly commit to an optimistic lifestyle if we do not fully understand how tortured most of society is? and not only ARE we tortured, but it is self-inflicted pain, and without understanding, embracing, and attempting to change that.. the world will never be a better place. i encourage each and every one of you to compliment 10 people today, just because. and then do the same thing tomorrow. it takes 28 days to form a habit.. so if we do this for a month... maybe we'll all have a GOOD habit... and just maybe this world will start becoming a little happier.

sorry. just a little venting.

and maybe we should listen to our mothers...
"if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all."

life in a box.

I've been told that it is a blessing to be able to put things into a box like I do. Past relationships, hardships, trials, tribulations. Every time I go through a rough time, or am disappointed my someone in my life, I take them and all their memories and put them away. Deep, deep, deep, into the back of my mind they go.

That would be great, but if you know me you know that I am a lover. Like I've said before, I love... and when I do, I love hard. When I put memories, good and bad, away in the storage building of my mind, I am often tempted to peek inside; this happens months, even years down the road. So, I guess my talent is my curse. Because once the memories are stored, the boxes become Pandora's boxes, and I am forbidden to open them ever again.

My granny is gone. She passed away in February after years and years of suffering. She was a brilliant and giving woman, who always put her grandchildren (Autumn & myself) before anything else in this world. My sister was with her almost every day, even the night that she died.

I never sat by my grandmother's side. I never did word searches, watched Days of Our Lives. Nothing. I was always "unable to come" or "it just wasn't a good day for me." Initially this was because of my inability to go into a hospital without getting claustrophobic. It gradually turned into the fact that I just didn't want to see her looking sick. I wanted to remember MY granny, not the one the hospital had made. I always took for granted that she would just be here day after day. The day I knew that she was gone, the things that were so important to me seemed so trivial. I was sick and ashamed of myself.

Material things, mean nothing. You realize that nothing in life is permanent, that the word permanent should not be a word at all. The only truth is change.

I had a really smart friend once. She, actually, I believe, is my friend "soul mate." You have this one friend who just makes sense, who matches everything you believe. This friend was my intellectual other half, we wrote essays that sounded the exact same, we had the same views on life, and we were both stuck in the same boring town. And we still are. But she did this thing I'll never forget. She understood me, and loved me.

I guess the best we can do is try. Try to live, try to make sense of things, try to realize the importance of other people, and try to distinguish the difference between living and planning on starting to live. We cannot cling to things that we think will last, because nothing lasts in a physical state. We can however, cling to things that will last in our memories and in our hearts.