Out with the old...

...and in with the new! Isn't that what Spring is all about?

It's official! After Groundhog Day (Punxsutawney Phil.. how DO you do that?!), Spring has sprung and the weather has been more than fabulous the past two weeks. I've been eating better/working out more, working outside in the yard (let's face it, it's too nice to be inside) and clearing the clutter from my house. Generally speaking, I should feel better about life. So what is it that has me so down?

This is where I write a disclaimer. *What you are about to read is real. This is coming from ME, no one else. If you have any issues with what I am about to say, feel free to take them up with me personally. It is time that I set the record straight, so that I can move on. I am not taking this to an anonymous forum. I am not mentioning names. I am simply saying everything that I have wanted so badly to say, after being told for so long that I couldn't.*

For those of you who know what I do for a living, then I don't have to explain my frustrations. For those of you who don't: I'm a DJ for a popular local morning show/radio station that reaches out to our little community (and about 30 other surrounding counties). Most days, I love my job. I love having an outlet to talk, inform and entertain. I try to keep my personal life personal, though. That's where this blog comes in. This is my PERSONAL outlet. I keep my Facebook account positive, not naming/trashing/bashing anyone involved with any of the drama that certain people in our little town and a few outsiders have created. So, the answers to a few pressing questions:

1. We have been told to NOT address anything on the airwaves. THAT is why we have to ignore the questions and comments.
2. We wanted to change it the name of our show. We were told we could not.
3. Yes, I was "the reason."

Now, before any assumptions are made, don't worry. I will tell you the rest of the story.

In October 2010, an employee desperate for attention and drama created an emotional roller coaster within our company. His personal life was suffering, and we were paying for it. As a friend, I initially tried to help - but you can't help someone who won't help himself. I saw through the lies. I saw through the BS. Ultimately, I became tired of being harassed. For those who think I "brought this on myself," or that I "knew what kind of person he was" to begin with... no, that's not the case at all. Yes, he is a flirt. Yes, he flirted with me.  I turned a blind eye and deaf ear to the comments, confident in my marriage and as a human being (not to mention I was never attracted to him "that" way). As time went on, I began responding to his comments with "I'm married." End of story.

THESE ARE THE FACTS:

• I never gave him any reason to talk to me the way he did. 
• I never gave him any reason to conjure up fantasies of us being together. 
• I never had ANY kind of sexual contact with him. 
• My husband didn't "find text messages between the two of us and threaten to leave and take my children" like what has been alleged.

I did, however, genuinely care for him as a friend. I felt sorry for him (to begin with) because I felt like deep down inside there, somewhere, he was human. I stuck up for him repeatedly, even though I shouldn't have. Then, everything changed. After multiple break-ups with his then girlfriend who was pregnant with his potential child, he snapped. I watched him lie to my face. I watched him pick fights with another employee. He picked fights with me. I have been cussed out. I have been verbally and emotionally abused, sexually harassed, and thrown under the bus (anonymously, of course).

MORE FACTS:

• I went to our General Manager to file a complaint about the sexual harassment. He assured me that the problem could be handled internally, with no reason to file a formal complaint with the EEOC. If another incident occurred, termination would follow.
• The very next day (after the issue was supposedly "handled") I returned to work, hopeful that things would be different. They weren't. I was only there for 30 minutes before the harassment continued, so I left and went to meet again with our GM. I was told that the issue would be handled (again).
• After our meeting, termination was no longer an option. My GM told me that he could be reassigned within the company, and asked me if that was okay with me. I said no, and attempted to resign. I was asked not to.
• I took a week off from work while things were "handled." I didn't know what was going on, no one told me. He was arrested (again) during my week off, and was asked to resign.

I have text messages and emails to back up the facts. That's why he has apologized to me multiple times and told me he cares about me (still), although he continues to bash me to other people and on anonymous forums. I am sick of it. I want to move on from this. I want to love my job again. I want to love myself again. I have struggled with this being what some said was "all my fault," but it's not. This is his fault, a result of his actions. I stood up for myself when I couldn't take it anymore. No, my GM wouldn't hire him back. Yes, they are scared that I'm going to sue them. I told them I wasn't. I told them that I didn't want his job. I just wanted to not be harassed anymore.

There. Out with the old.

Back To Reality

Becoming a mother changed my perspective on life. It's definitely made me less selfish, and more paranoid. I worry all the time, and I now understand why every time Granny heard an ambulance she would call and ask if we were okay. Too often do we get bogged down in the "routine" of every day life: waking up, kids to school, go to work, get home, sleep, do it all over again. Why does it take a tragedy to bring us back to reality? Life is short, and we should act like it.

• Get right with God.
• Never take life for granted.
• Live each day to its fullest.
• Those stupid arguments? Don't even start them.
• Those unsaid "I love you's?" Say them.

You just never know which day is going to be your last. Death is a part of life and we all know that - but we never realize just how quickly someone can be taken from this world. We may never know why, but you CAN live without regrets and you CAN find comfort that you will see your loved ones again someday.

On Saturday morning, "A beautiful little boy lost his father, parents lost a son, siblings lost a brother, a sweet baby girl lost her uncle, many lost a great friend, the world lost a wonderful person, and Heaven gained one." There are so many heavy hearts, Kaine. Mine is one of them.

Everything.

"You see everything,
You see every part.
You see all my light,
and you love my dark.

You dig everything
of which I'm ashamed.
There's not anything
to which you can't relate...
And you're still here."

This probably won't be a happy-peppy post, as lately I've been dealing with some emotions that I'm not really used to.

I like to think I'm a generally happy person. I am absolutely beyond blessed and I recognize that and cherish that, but lately I've been battling some "inner demons" and I'd like to just get them all out on paper so to speak, and move forward in this amazing thing that we call life.

I've come to a point in my life where I realize my self-worth. I know how I should be treated. I expect to be respected. I also know how to treat others. There are some that don't know the value of their own self, though, and in turn they repeatedly try to tear others down. I could list many examples, but I'm not going to point fingers at anyone. Let's just say that over the past few months I have felt myself straying from what I know and believe, and I'm guilty of letting my environment change me. I'm going to do something about it, though. I am going to be proactive, and do something now instead of later. My surroundings have been negatively affecting my life, marriage, emotions, and possibly even pregnancy (I've been having some issues lately, but no worries.. Alivia & I are alright!), and I will not stand for it any more.

God has provided for us in what we considered to be a tough time, though I know many others have it worse. In the past month my family has seen many changes. We have had to consider uprooting to look for work for Joey, and bless his heart, he has filled out enough applications to make your head spin. After being let down by two trucking companies who he thought he had a guaranteed spot with (but was turned down because of a speeding ticket he got two years ago), he's found a job that's close to home and will have him home pretty much every night. I've been working myself to death, going to school (and missing bath time to do homework), and neglecting my husband because I simply don't have time. That is all about to change. I want to be the best mother, wife, and student. I want to do it all, but there are limitations as to what you can take mentally, and I'm beyond exhausted.

This time, I am willingly shutting the door and taking on a new chapter in my life...

...because my husband is by my side through it all. I know in my heart that with these changes and crucial decisions our family will be alright. I believe that we are taking steps in the right direction for happiness, success, and love. Family is the most important thing we have in this life, and I will not take this time for granted.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,

And mortal life shall cease,

I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace

- From the Burnams, with love.

goodnight good knight

from behind the sunset a horse pranced up with you in tow.
you threw me over your shoulder without a second guess,
and drove me to love you against my will (at first).

now that we've come this far i'll admit:
i knew what what happening. i had an idea.
pretending to be dumb can at times assist you,
says the pretty girl with a past too dark to speak of.

too good to be true?
    yes.
                                     and no.

yes, because you are. no, because you're real.

you've taught me that there are such things as second chances...
    in life and in love.
you've taught me that it's okay to depend on someone...
    for happiness and sanity.
you've taught me that we really are born with half a soul...
    and that the other half lies within someone created for you by Him.

i've always been content with just being me.
me alone.

now you've either ruined me or created me..
    and for once in my life i'll be just fine not knowing which is true.

love can be a demon.
love can be your wildest dream.
    and for once in my life i know which one is true.

dreams come true...

dream come true

i'm a new mother.
woohooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'm not going to lie: labor was difficult for me. i had a few minor complications, but i did it! and aidan was born beautiful and perfect. initially i hadn't wanted anyone in the delivery room with me... but at the last minute i realized that i honestly didn't think i could do it by myself. with the help of some amazing nurses and my doctor... my mom and joey (i love you both so much)... we did it.

we were discharged from the hospital at midnight on sunday (may 11th).. talk about an amazing first mother's day! since we've been home, aidan has been the BEST baby... and i'm not just saying that because he's mine. he is so unbelievably sweet-- not to mention he's absolutely gorgeous! i have two absolutely amazing men in my life.. one is my future husband and one is my son. i could not imagine life without either one of them.

it's kind of funny how everything works out in life, huh? when i first found out i was pregnant, i never would've imagined that i would be where i am today. the past 6 months (and the 4 before that) have been absolutely amazing. i fell in love with myself first, and finally accepted the fact that i would be okay by myself.. and then God sent this amazing man to love me and my son, and he does an amazing job. he's the best father.. my best friend.. and honestly, my dream come true.

i guess i'm writing this for someone... i don't know who you are.. but i just want everyone to know that no matter how rough it gets, stay strong in your faith and believe in yourself. you'll come out on top, always.

anything is possible (if you have enough nerve)

the hospital bag is packed.
the carseat, stroller, diapers, clothes... they're all ready.
the day is drawing nearer...

ok, i know technically i am already a mother.
i know aidan is alive and well, but that's on the inside...
but i will actually get to see him soon.

ahhhh. it's so nervewracking. i've been dealing with "am i in labor?" issues, joey is on standby pretty much 24/7... as is the rest of the family. in the meantime, i think i'm the only one who has been acting as if everything is normal. i've been working, cleaning, driving... all of the things someone who is 9 months pregnant should NOT be doing. well... maybe just not so much.

it's hard to believe that i am in week 36. my body has completely devoted itself to little aidan and this pregnancy for nine whole months. it seems like just yesterday i found out i was pregnant. time flies so fast, and i certainly never thought i would be where i am today. happy. 142987348724% happy.

abby, my best friend in the whole wide world (happy birthday to you, by the way!) has been my saving grace. her love for children has really helped me embrace what once was just a "situation" to what is now the life i am in love with. through thick and thin (mood swings and cravings) she has stuck by me. it's amazing, as is she. she is going to be the most wonderful aunt BB in the whole entire world.
joey & ansleigh.. they are my fairy tale. i could not have dreamed up a better twosome. joey came unexpectedly, and you can ask anyone, i was more than apprehensive. i knew that i would never find anyone to love me AND my son equally.

never say never.

he brought ansleigh into my life, and i can only hope that aidan is as amazing as she is. she has been my sunshine, and i fell in love with her and joey both in a short time.

no, we haven't known each other for years and years, and yes, we were both at very vulnerable points in our lives, but you know what? it is when you are at your lowest that you look up; there is nowhere else to gaze.

i had fallen out of love with the world, and in love with myself, simply because i had no one else. i had aidan of course, but in the beginning i was very scared, very unsure... did i say scared? the first time i heard his heartbeat, and now every time i feel him kick.. i fall in love all over again. soon, those movements will stop and i will have a living, breathing, kicking, screaming, crying, laughing, pooping baby. then, with every movement he has in this crazy world.. i will fall in love again, and again, and again.
with him not here yet, it's kind of hard to process.
so far, i haven't had one emotional breakdown about this pregnancy.
i haven't cried, been upset. nothing. it's kind of like it isn't happening to me....
but as i begin to think about what his birth will be like,
seeing his face, smelling his skin...
i tear up.

i am so very fortunate to have my wonderful family and friends... and aidan will just complete the package. i'm sure i will have another blog in a few weeks/months (depending on how busy i am, haha) about how it is totally different than anything i could ever imagine. i can't really process what it will TRULY be like yet.... but all i can say is:

i am finally ready.

this valentine's day

the two most hated days for single women?
                                            new year's & valentine's, without a doubt.

now, considering a few weeks ago i survived one, in a few more weeks i should be prepared to do it again. after all, i can't remember the last good valentine's day i had... and this past year's new year's started well, but was abruptly ended due to someone's lack of intelligence. (did i really just type that? yes.) basically, no major holidays over the past few years have been memorable, especially when it comes to significant others. maybe that's my bad; i just date losers. regardless of what i do wrong, because at this point we are assuming that i do nothing wrong, what the is wrong with guys? have they just totally thrown all sentimental and thoughtful stuff out the window? i think so. no one wants to date anymore. no one wants to do ANYTHING for ANYONE anymore. i really think that guys are incapable of being sweet anymore. this is why i have chosen not to date anyone for the rest of my life. i plan to join a convent as soon as Aidan is born.

ok, that was a joke.

but seriously though, i just don't even know what to say about boys/guys/men anymore. they need to step their game up, for real.

and as for this valentine's day, i'll be JUST fine... i've got my abbygayle, my little aidan, and of course... they're all i need. =)

The Greatest Irony of Love

Loving the right person at the wrong time,
having the wrong person when the time is right
and finding out you love someone right after
that person walks out of your life...

And sometimes, you think you're already over a person,
but when you see them smile at you,
you'll suddenly realize that you're just pretending
to be over them just to ease the pain of knowing that
they will never be yours again...

For some, they think that letting go is one way
of expressing how much they love that person...
in my opinion, some are afraid to see the one they love
being held by someone else...

Most relationships tend to fail not because
the absence of love. Love is always present.
It's just that one was being loved too much and the
other was being loved too little...

As we all know that the heart is the center of the body
but it beats on the left. maybe that's the reason
why the heart is not always right...

Most often we fall in love with the person we think we love
but to only discover that for them
we are just for passing time, while the one who truly
loves us remains either a friend or a stranger...

So here's a piece of advice;
Let go when you're hurting too much.
Give up when love isn't enough.
And move on when things are not like before...

It's certain... there is someone out there
WHO WILL LOVE YOU EVEN MORE.

satisfied.

i've become someone else...at first the change wasn't dramatic and it happened so slowly, almost like nothing was even happening...then all of a sudden a couple days ago something happened..like a bitch slap and everything just blew up right in my face...and that was the moment when i realized....

"oh my god. what did i do?"

i realized that everything i had been doing for the past couple months kept revolving around this one person. and i let this one person mold me into who they wanted me to be. and at first..i thought it was love...but now i see that what he was asking me to do was compromise. and in love you don't compromise to be with someone. that only means that they're not asking to be with you, they're asking to be with somebody else. and i can't be that girl anymore.

and how the hell did i ever even let myself get in this position? i mean.. WHO AM I? no one changes me unless i wanna change myself! so what was it that made me do it? my need for him? bullshit. i should have known from the very beginning that we as humans are put on this earth to learn to survive on our own. and we don't NEED anyone who happens to fall in our path...we simply WANT them there. and once you realize that they're somehow harming you..get rid of them...because they're nothing but poison in your life.

so what exactly do i label this "relationship" that i had? i call it EXPERIENCE. because the next time some guy just tries to walk all up in here like he owns me.. like i don't have feelings, and that what i want doesn't matter, you know what i'm going to say? GET TO STEPPING, FOOL.

honestly...i think i've transformed into a whole new me. one with thoughts, and feelings, and respect..not just for myself but for the things that surround me...life, family, people, friends...everything. and not that i didn't have all this before... i did. now it's all just on a higher level of thought. with what i had to put up with.. i now know that life doesn't always happen the way you plan it to be... so when life decides to change, change with it. who knows? the change may even be good! and if it's not, you might just learn something...

so...now here i am. again. alone. but satisfied. life isn't great. it could be better. but i'm satisfied. because when it comes down to it, it could be worse. and when you're like me...where you once had it all, then it all disappeared without a trace.. you're forced to move on with your life no matter what..

you're satisfied.

MRP

This is for you.

I think it's time you should face reality and stop running from your problems. Joining the Air Force won't help you do that. Seriously. the fact that you've known since SEPTEMBER and still haven't told your parents amazes me. Get over yourself. You know.. I can't believe you actually had the audacity to tell me that you're "not at a point in your life to be a father." Well.. do you think for one second that I made this decision on my own? No. HELL no. It takes two to tango.. and two to make babies. Yes, I realize that we weren't in a serious relationship. Yes, I realize we only had sex ONCE. I'm not sorry that it happened, honestly. I have the biggest blessing I could ever ask for coming my way. I feel sorry for YOU. YOU act like you've got everything together, when really you're scared to death. Well, don't you think I am, too? I've begged and begged. I've told you. I don't want your money. I don't want your pity. I just want this child to have a father, because I didn't. I'm sure I can "find some guy willing to claim it," but you know what? I'm OKAY with going through this on my own. I am. Really. It's not ME that you're cheating, in the end. I've given you plenty of opportunities. Plenty of times, I've said "I just want you to be there." NO, I don't want to be with you. Honestly, I think you're a LUNATIC.... but this is OUR child. Yes, ours. Deal with it.

So, good luck with your new girlfriend. Good look with your endeavors. Good riddance.

you don't get what you deserve...

...and be very thankful for that.

i'm in a very weird place in my life.. a lot of changes are happening, within my body and in my life in general. the past 6 months have been some of the most challenging, yet rewarding (so far) in my life. on a day where i should be writing a blog on what i'm thankful for, i can't think of a single thing to write. i've never been good with the specifics, and this is just a prime example. i am the absolute happiest right now, with my life.. with everything. no, i'm not the richest. i'm not the prettiest or most well-behaved... but there's not one single thing that i'm not thankful for at this point in time.

things don't always go according to our plans... i've said that before and i'll say it again. however, they can. you have the ability to change your future.... with your thoughts alone. i wake up every morning with a decision to make the best of life. no matter the cards that are dealt, or the obstacles i'm presented with. you can either be happy or miserable. it's as simple (and as difficult) as that. i think the problem is that most people don't want to take charge (or blame) for things that go wrong.. but you know what. i do. i'm a big girl. i can handle it.

like i said.. the past 6 months have been unbelievable, in good ways and bad. two things i have come to cherish, though, are family and friendship. i have gotten so much closer to my dad, jo (the other mother), and my sister.. it's unbelievable. there's such a history w/ my dad & jo that it's truly a blessing to have them in my life, doing all that they do for me on a daily basis. i could never repay, or thank them enough.. but the amazing thing about family is that the only repayment they expect is love (but when i get rich i swear i'll give you money, lol). as for my sister.. there's almost 8 years between us so we were never close when i was younger.. she was always too cool and i was way too annoying. now that we've both matured and both lead our own lives, it's pretty cool to know i'll have a best friend, no matter what, until the day i die.

as far as friends go, this has been a very trying time. one thing i've come to learn, is that no matter how many years you go without speaking or seeing each other.. no matter the fusses or arguments... TRUE FRIENDS are always going to have your back when you need them to be there. abby gayle carver is my love. without her i don't know what i'd do. she's taught me so much.. and i truly love her unconditionally. the whole soul mate thing? yeah. she's my soul mate, i think. then, there are other things i've noticed... once you join the whole MOM sorority, the past simply doesn't matter. i've gotten a lot closer to people who i NEVER thought i would.. (teresa tapia, this is for you, lol).. but it's amazing. really. another person i've got to say has helped me the most is miss elizabeth ashly... =) another one of those long-term friends.

basically... what it boils down to this thanksgiving, as cliche` as it sounds.. i am thankful for everything.. but most importantly, i'm thankful for life.

It's true.

I'm pregnant. [Insert gasps, screams, laughs, etc. here.]

Now that that's out of the way.. I have SO MUCH to get off my chest! Last night I finally got the nerve to tell my entire family, and in doing so I decided I'd just rather everyone hear from me on here.. so there's no question and no rumors flying about. "Go straight to the source," I always say! Now I can finally be excited! :)

Believe it or not.. everyone reacted the exact way I expected. I had so many people saying "you never know who will say what" but I pegged it, totally. Most are supportive (even if they don't AGREE with the situation), and some are not.. but this is a situation where you kind of just have to take everything with a grain of salt and move forward. Single (young) mothers have enough stress to deal with.. the last thing we need are the people we care about giving us hell.. and honestly, I couldn't care less. I am taking the high road.

To clear up a little of the confusion.. no, this was not planned. I am not in a relationship/going to be in a relationship/getting married or even with the baby's father. Furthermore, I don't think who he is is important to anyone. Not only that.. but I at least have enough respect for him (considering I have no idea who he has told/and whether or not he has any respect for me or the situation) to keep his name out of it until I am given the go ahead. Who needs to know, knows. He has not impressed me so far into this... maybe one day he will come around.. but until then this is my baby and that's all there is to it. Enough said?

Finding out that you are pregnant (especially at 19) is one of THE biggest life changing events that can happen in your life.... and honestly, I could have chosen the easy way out - but I didn't. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason, and while I struggled with the idea for a few weeks, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I don't think I could live with that decision for the rest of my life. Not to mention, if the Divine One is going to trust me with a life, all I can do is make the best of it.

I've heard the horror stories, and I know that this is going to be hard. Very hard. I have chosen to accept it for what it is - after all... I should be the most excited! (I'm working on this whole concept of optimism... can you tell?) Basically.. if you want to hop on the support train, go ahead. I will most certainly need all i can get.. but if you don't, that's fine, too. This is my life and I make my own decisions.

After all, by May 14th, I'm going to be a mom!

everyone dies famous in a small town.

we live in a very nosy society.

it's sad.

everyone wants to know everything about everybody all of the time. honestly.. i try not to talk about ANYONE, EVER (hard to believe, but true. ask my family members). every time i hear someone gossiping i say to myself... "now.. if i go and talk about so-and-so, then what right do i have to be upset when someone talks about me?"

it's kind of a karmic mentality..
do unto others, if you will.

how sad is it when our own happiness is based on what others think of us? how can we possibly find inner happiness when we are constantly worried about how others feel? of course, there are reputations to be guarded and so on and so forth.. but how, can we honestly commit to an optimistic lifestyle if we do not fully understand how tortured most of society is? and not only ARE we tortured, but it is self-inflicted pain, and without understanding, embracing, and attempting to change that.. the world will never be a better place. i encourage each and every one of you to compliment 10 people today, just because. and then do the same thing tomorrow. it takes 28 days to form a habit.. so if we do this for a month... maybe we'll all have a GOOD habit... and just maybe this world will start becoming a little happier.

sorry. just a little venting.

and maybe we should listen to our mothers...
"if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all."

life in a box.

I've been told that it is a blessing to be able to put things into a box like I do. Past relationships, hardships, trials, tribulations. Every time I go through a rough time, or am disappointed my someone in my life, I take them and all their memories and put them away. Deep, deep, deep, into the back of my mind they go.

That would be great, but if you know me you know that I am a lover. Like I've said before, I love... and when I do, I love hard. When I put memories, good and bad, away in the storage building of my mind, I am often tempted to peek inside; this happens months, even years down the road. So, I guess my talent is my curse. Because once the memories are stored, the boxes become Pandora's boxes, and I am forbidden to open them ever again.

My granny is gone. She passed away in February after years and years of suffering. She was a brilliant and giving woman, who always put her grandchildren (Autumn & myself) before anything else in this world. My sister was with her almost every day, even the night that she died.

I never sat by my grandmother's side. I never did word searches, watched Days of Our Lives. Nothing. I was always "unable to come" or "it just wasn't a good day for me." Initially this was because of my inability to go into a hospital without getting claustrophobic. It gradually turned into the fact that I just didn't want to see her looking sick. I wanted to remember MY granny, not the one the hospital had made. I always took for granted that she would just be here day after day. The day I knew that she was gone, the things that were so important to me seemed so trivial. I was sick and ashamed of myself.

Material things, mean nothing. You realize that nothing in life is permanent, that the word permanent should not be a word at all. The only truth is change.

I had a really smart friend once. She, actually, I believe, is my friend "soul mate." You have this one friend who just makes sense, who matches everything you believe. This friend was my intellectual other half, we wrote essays that sounded the exact same, we had the same views on life, and we were both stuck in the same boring town. And we still are. But she did this thing I'll never forget. She understood me, and loved me.

I guess the best we can do is try. Try to live, try to make sense of things, try to realize the importance of other people, and try to distinguish the difference between living and planning on starting to live. We cannot cling to things that we think will last, because nothing lasts in a physical state. We can however, cling to things that will last in our memories and in our hearts.

season vs. lifetime

so i'm finally figuring out that things don't always go according to my plans.
big shocker, right?

i've been really thinking a lot lately.... about life, and love, and such. people always let you down, so so much. and that will always be the case. UNTIL you find someone who has the same thoughts, dreams, and aspirations, as you. ideally, your "soul mate." now.. i'm not talking this astronomical "star-crossed lovers" kind of thing. the one you love but it will never work out... no. no romeo and juliet here. i mean, the person you are truly meant to be with. the one who was created for you. by none other than God himself. if He did it, it must be right. right?

a lot of my friends often turn to me for advice. it's when i have to actually heed the advice myself that i screw up. it's so much easier to preach than practice. so much easier to say than do. but, i'm learning. i honestly believe that life is a continuous process which we should use to the best of our abilites until, let's face it, time runs out. you and i both die a little with every breath that we take (kudos to ben harper, because for those of you who don't know, that is a line in his song "amen omen"). but one thing i learned, i learned from "madea goes to jail," and i believe it with all my heart. some people come into your life for a lifetime and some come for a season. you have to know which is which.

i put everybody that comes into my life in the category of a tree. some people are leaves on a tree. the wind blows, they go to the left. the wind blows from the other way, they go to the right. they are just unstable. you can't count on them for anything. all they ever do is take from that tree. what you need to understand about a leaf is that it has a season. it'll wither and die and blow away. there is no need to be praying over a leaf to be resurrected. when it's dead it's gone. let it go! some people are like that. all the leaf ever does is cool you off every now and then. if you're grown, you know what I'm talking about, because you can call them in the middle of the night and get cooled off. that's the leaf people. they come to take. then there are people like a branch. you got to be careful with branch people. they come in all different shapes and sizes. you never know how strong they will be in your life. so my advice is to tip out on it slowly. when you're going out on a limb, don't put too much weight on it at once, because it can fall and leave you high and dry. sometimes, you have to wait for a branch to grow up before it can hold all of the things you want to share with it. finally, there are people who are like roots at the bottom of the tree. if you find yourself two or three people in your entire lifetime that are like the roots, then you are blessed. the roots don't care nothing about being seen. all they're there to do is hold that tree up, to make sure it stays in the air. it comes from the earth to give that tree everything it needs. that's what relationships should be about. that's what you need, people who want to be in your life for the right reasons. if somebody wants to walk out of your life, you've got to LET THEM GO! when you learn to love yourself, you will end up giving standards to everyone around you. again, i repeat with emphasis, if they don't meet those standards, you have to let them go, because they might be a leaf. and forgive them with all your might.

the trouble is, i get way too attached, way too easily. i love, and i love hard. it's all or nothing with me. i am currently working very hard on finding my "inner joy" and being at peace with myself. because i have learned that then, and only then, is where i will be happy. truly happy.

now i can begin working on other relationships.. with family, friends, guys. because i am now at peace with the happenings all around me. and i know, and believe, that even though one door just shut, He opened another one down the hall.

insomniac.

your breathing keeps me awake at night
try as i might
i cannot ignore it
but tonight you're not next to me
where could you be/where you could be
maybe when you're there with her
you feel my emotions, they stir
and i bleed
from the inside of my head
until i can't, until i'm dead
not physically, no, you see
just dead enough not to be
alive in your life
gone from what was to what is not
from what you wanted to what you thought
i'm not sure you'll ever find
what you seek is in my mind
and it's all made up
do i mean the emotions are lies
do i mean they never existed in this life
or could it possibly be that
i can't stand it any longer, can't
watch you grow to love her
when that smile should be mine
and your lips i should find
on my forehead, not hers
my cheek, with my tears
my hopes of us
my dreams are lies and
my love knows no end
you can speak of all these things but you do not know
and rightfully so
but how can we learn
how will we know what cannot be
if you will not allow our hearts to see
i hate ultimatums but as i now know
sometimes they're the only way out
and when it hurts
is when it's worth it
and if it doesn't.............
then it's not.