life in a box.

I've been told that it is a blessing to be able to put things into a box like I do. Past relationships, hardships, trials, tribulations. Every time I go through a rough time, or am disappointed my someone in my life, I take them and all their memories and put them away. Deep, deep, deep, into the back of my mind they go.

That would be great, but if you know me you know that I am a lover. Like I've said before, I love... and when I do, I love hard. When I put memories, good and bad, away in the storage building of my mind, I am often tempted to peek inside; this happens months, even years down the road. So, I guess my talent is my curse. Because once the memories are stored, the boxes become Pandora's boxes, and I am forbidden to open them ever again.

My granny is gone. She passed away in February after years and years of suffering. She was a brilliant and giving woman, who always put her grandchildren (Autumn & myself) before anything else in this world. My sister was with her almost every day, even the night that she died.

I never sat by my grandmother's side. I never did word searches, watched Days of Our Lives. Nothing. I was always "unable to come" or "it just wasn't a good day for me." Initially this was because of my inability to go into a hospital without getting claustrophobic. It gradually turned into the fact that I just didn't want to see her looking sick. I wanted to remember MY granny, not the one the hospital had made. I always took for granted that she would just be here day after day. The day I knew that she was gone, the things that were so important to me seemed so trivial. I was sick and ashamed of myself.

Material things, mean nothing. You realize that nothing in life is permanent, that the word permanent should not be a word at all. The only truth is change.

I had a really smart friend once. She, actually, I believe, is my friend "soul mate." You have this one friend who just makes sense, who matches everything you believe. This friend was my intellectual other half, we wrote essays that sounded the exact same, we had the same views on life, and we were both stuck in the same boring town. And we still are. But she did this thing I'll never forget. She understood me, and loved me.

I guess the best we can do is try. Try to live, try to make sense of things, try to realize the importance of other people, and try to distinguish the difference between living and planning on starting to live. We cannot cling to things that we think will last, because nothing lasts in a physical state. We can however, cling to things that will last in our memories and in our hearts.

season vs. lifetime

so i'm finally figuring out that things don't always go according to my plans.
big shocker, right?

i've been really thinking a lot lately.... about life, and love, and such. people always let you down, so so much. and that will always be the case. UNTIL you find someone who has the same thoughts, dreams, and aspirations, as you. ideally, your "soul mate." now.. i'm not talking this astronomical "star-crossed lovers" kind of thing. the one you love but it will never work out... no. no romeo and juliet here. i mean, the person you are truly meant to be with. the one who was created for you. by none other than God himself. if He did it, it must be right. right?

a lot of my friends often turn to me for advice. it's when i have to actually heed the advice myself that i screw up. it's so much easier to preach than practice. so much easier to say than do. but, i'm learning. i honestly believe that life is a continuous process which we should use to the best of our abilites until, let's face it, time runs out. you and i both die a little with every breath that we take (kudos to ben harper, because for those of you who don't know, that is a line in his song "amen omen"). but one thing i learned, i learned from "madea goes to jail," and i believe it with all my heart. some people come into your life for a lifetime and some come for a season. you have to know which is which.

i put everybody that comes into my life in the category of a tree. some people are leaves on a tree. the wind blows, they go to the left. the wind blows from the other way, they go to the right. they are just unstable. you can't count on them for anything. all they ever do is take from that tree. what you need to understand about a leaf is that it has a season. it'll wither and die and blow away. there is no need to be praying over a leaf to be resurrected. when it's dead it's gone. let it go! some people are like that. all the leaf ever does is cool you off every now and then. if you're grown, you know what I'm talking about, because you can call them in the middle of the night and get cooled off. that's the leaf people. they come to take. then there are people like a branch. you got to be careful with branch people. they come in all different shapes and sizes. you never know how strong they will be in your life. so my advice is to tip out on it slowly. when you're going out on a limb, don't put too much weight on it at once, because it can fall and leave you high and dry. sometimes, you have to wait for a branch to grow up before it can hold all of the things you want to share with it. finally, there are people who are like roots at the bottom of the tree. if you find yourself two or three people in your entire lifetime that are like the roots, then you are blessed. the roots don't care nothing about being seen. all they're there to do is hold that tree up, to make sure it stays in the air. it comes from the earth to give that tree everything it needs. that's what relationships should be about. that's what you need, people who want to be in your life for the right reasons. if somebody wants to walk out of your life, you've got to LET THEM GO! when you learn to love yourself, you will end up giving standards to everyone around you. again, i repeat with emphasis, if they don't meet those standards, you have to let them go, because they might be a leaf. and forgive them with all your might.

the trouble is, i get way too attached, way too easily. i love, and i love hard. it's all or nothing with me. i am currently working very hard on finding my "inner joy" and being at peace with myself. because i have learned that then, and only then, is where i will be happy. truly happy.

now i can begin working on other relationships.. with family, friends, guys. because i am now at peace with the happenings all around me. and i know, and believe, that even though one door just shut, He opened another one down the hall.

insomniac.

your breathing keeps me awake at night
try as i might
i cannot ignore it
but tonight you're not next to me
where could you be/where you could be
maybe when you're there with her
you feel my emotions, they stir
and i bleed
from the inside of my head
until i can't, until i'm dead
not physically, no, you see
just dead enough not to be
alive in your life
gone from what was to what is not
from what you wanted to what you thought
i'm not sure you'll ever find
what you seek is in my mind
and it's all made up
do i mean the emotions are lies
do i mean they never existed in this life
or could it possibly be that
i can't stand it any longer, can't
watch you grow to love her
when that smile should be mine
and your lips i should find
on my forehead, not hers
my cheek, with my tears
my hopes of us
my dreams are lies and
my love knows no end
you can speak of all these things but you do not know
and rightfully so
but how can we learn
how will we know what cannot be
if you will not allow our hearts to see
i hate ultimatums but as i now know
sometimes they're the only way out
and when it hurts
is when it's worth it
and if it doesn't.............
then it's not.