Everything.

"You see everything,
You see every part.
You see all my light,
and you love my dark.

You dig everything
of which I'm ashamed.
There's not anything
to which you can't relate...
And you're still here."

This probably won't be a happy-peppy post, as lately I've been dealing with some emotions that I'm not really used to.

I like to think I'm a generally happy person. I am absolutely beyond blessed and I recognize that and cherish that, but lately I've been battling some "inner demons" and I'd like to just get them all out on paper so to speak, and move forward in this amazing thing that we call life.

I've come to a point in my life where I realize my self-worth. I know how I should be treated. I expect to be respected. I also know how to treat others. There are some that don't know the value of their own self, though, and in turn they repeatedly try to tear others down. I could list many examples, but I'm not going to point fingers at anyone. Let's just say that over the past few months I have felt myself straying from what I know and believe, and I'm guilty of letting my environment change me. I'm going to do something about it, though. I am going to be proactive, and do something now instead of later. My surroundings have been negatively affecting my life, marriage, emotions, and possibly even pregnancy (I've been having some issues lately, but no worries.. Alivia & I are alright!), and I will not stand for it any more.

God has provided for us in what we considered to be a tough time, though I know many others have it worse. In the past month my family has seen many changes. We have had to consider uprooting to look for work for Joey, and bless his heart, he has filled out enough applications to make your head spin. After being let down by two trucking companies who he thought he had a guaranteed spot with (but was turned down because of a speeding ticket he got two years ago), he's found a job that's close to home and will have him home pretty much every night. I've been working myself to death, going to school (and missing bath time to do homework), and neglecting my husband because I simply don't have time. That is all about to change. I want to be the best mother, wife, and student. I want to do it all, but there are limitations as to what you can take mentally, and I'm beyond exhausted.

This time, I am willingly shutting the door and taking on a new chapter in my life...

...because my husband is by my side through it all. I know in my heart that with these changes and crucial decisions our family will be alright. I believe that we are taking steps in the right direction for happiness, success, and love. Family is the most important thing we have in this life, and I will not take this time for granted.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,

And mortal life shall cease,

I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace

- From the Burnams, with love.

New year, new beginnings.

2010 has gotten off to a rather bumpy start.

The husband and I celebrated our very first wedding anniversary on New Year's Eve, and while it was uneventful (due to the fact that we can't really afford anything but each other's company right now), we were kid-free for the weekend and that's probably one of the best gifts we could have received. Thanks Grandbon. :)

So after a long break from work for the holidays, we returned bright-eyed and bushy-tailed (yeah.. right!) on Monday morning, and we were unaware that my husband would be losing his job on the first working day of the new year. You always hear people talking about being laid off, or business being slow, but until it happens to you or your family I don't really think you can understand the heartbreak. It's just a different kind. I know it's especially hard for Joey, because I see what a hard worker he is. He really and truly puts 150% into any and everything that he does. Today was his last day of work, and as he headed off this morning I truly wished I could take his place. I know that our family will be okay. Financially, we might struggle for a while, but God will take care of us. I just wish that my husband.. my best friend.. didn't feel like a failure.

While Joey has been avidly applying for positions any and every where, another quarter in school has begun for me. We did receive a blessing yesterday, though, when I went to buy my books. It truly does pay to be a good student! I went to check on my financial aid (to make sure I could even buy my books) and I had over $1000 to spend! Hallelujah! My books ended up only being a little over $300, so we will receive a check for over seven HUNDRED dollars in about a month! To God be the GLORY! I was so excited. I still am. It was my reassurance that He is going to take care of us.

In pregnancy news, I got to hear Alivia's heartbeat yesterday. What sweet music to my ears. Dr. Diamond did warn me of the complications of having a breach baby (in the 20 week ultrasound she was in that position). He said that at my 4D ultrasound (on the 28th of this month) we should get a heads up as to if she's going to get into the "head down" position (no pun intended!), and if she hasn't turned by the time of my 35 week ultrasound (the week after St. Patrick's Day) then we'll have to discuss our options. While some people would freak out at this news, I'm not. As long as she gets here safe & sound (and healthy) then I will be happy. I don't care if they have to cut me, and there's no sense in worrying myself to death over it until March.

This week our little princess is about as big as........

AN EAR OF CORN!

According to BabyCenter.com, our baby girl is growing steadily, having gained about 4 ounces since last week. That puts her at over a pound! Since she's almost a foot long she still has a pretty lean figure at this point, but her body is filling out proportionally and she'll soon start to plump up. Her brain is also growing quickly now, and taste buds are continuing to develop (maybe she'll get her Daddy's instead of mine.. I'm too picky!). The lungs are developing "branches" of the respiratory "tree" as well as cells that produce surfactant, a substance that will help her air sacs inflate once she hits the outside world. Her skin is still thin and translucent, but that will start to change soon... Meanwhile, MY body is changing too.. and much like this:


But in real time.. 24 1/2 weeks..


Until next time, please keep our little (growing) family in your thoughts and prayers, because we sure need all of them that we can get. I pray that my husband's work ethic and drive is recognized by someone (an employer) who will treat him fairly and compensate him for the job he does. Until he finds this job I pray that we stay strong for each other through the challenges financially that we may face. Amen.

- From the Burnams, with love.